Why?

I feel like I have been asking that question a lot lately. I try not to question God, since I know and truly believe that his plan is so much bigger than anything I can grasp with my tiny little mind. But sometimes I still find myself asking WHY? Why does he bring a precious baby into the world with a bad heart? Why does he allow someone to lose their job just months before they have their first baby? Why does he take a daddy away from his wife and 3 young children? Why does he allow someones house to burn down? Why does he place a baby in a mother's womb, and then take it from her before it's even born? Why are there so many starving children in the world when we have so much? Why did he give me, a healthy 33 year old, colon cancer? WHY? WHY? WHY?
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Today, my heart is heavy with the weight of so many questions. And don't think for a minute that I don't know all the verses...or that I can't quote all the quotes...because I can. I KNOW that all things work together for good and that God won't give us anything we can bear and that when we only see one set of footprints...BLA BLA BLA! It's easy to say all those things, but is it really that easy to believe it deep down in your soul? It's not for me.
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I know I've mentioned several times that I've never really cried since I found out about my cancer. Well, let me tell you something...the flood gates were loosed this afternoon! I was reading a blog written by a mother who is right now...today...taking her precious 8 month old daughter off life support. WHY GOD? WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT PRECIOUS CHILD INTO THIS WORLD...ALLOW HER TO GET A NEW HEART, AND STILL TAKE HER FROM HER FAMILY??????? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That was right about that moment I threw myself onto the couch and wept. Not just for that heartbroken mother & not just for myself, but for my boys who are afraid their mom might die. And for my husband who is so worried at times that he can't get anything done. For my 74 year old grandmother who needs me to call her every day at 1pm so she knows I made it another day. I wept because sometimes the financial pressure is just too much, and for my in-laws who have taken on so much responsibility with my boys during a time when they should be getting to bask in the glow of a new granddaughter. I even wept for for my sweet co-workers who bang on the door and ask if I'm ok if I take more than 3 minutes to go to the bathroom! And for the 5 year old in my preschool who is more wise than most about cancer because her 3 year old sister has had it since birth. WHY GOD?
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For some reason I always find myself reading in Psalm when my heart is truly burneded. I don't know, I think it gives me some relief to know that even David...a man after God's own heart asked some of the same questions. Anyway, while I was reading I just started flipping around and reading the first and last verse of each chapter, not for any great revilation from God, but more to kill time...After a while I did start to wonder if David might have been bi-polar (just kidding)
Below is just a little example of what I read...
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"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!"
"How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever?"
"I love you, O Lord, my strength"
"My God my God, why have you forsaken me?"
"To you I call, O Lord my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me"
"I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips"
"Why have you rejected us forever, O God"
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The most amazing thing I noticed was that no matter how angry or abandoned David felt by God, somehow he never failed by the end of each chapter to praise God. It didn't mean God had given him the answers he wanted or made everything better...it only ment that David understood that God was still God. The depth of Gods love for his child had never changed only David's perspective had changed.
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Ok, back to my story...when I got into the car to pick up my boys KLRC was on. This may be a normal thing for you, but I am a talk radio girl. I was just pulling out and about to make the switch back to 1030am when a Casting Crowns song came on called Praise him in the Storm. It was just what I needed to hear. I don't have all the answers...and I probably never will this side of heaven, but that's just gonna have to be ok for now.
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If I didn't know better I would think that David crawled in my brain for his inspiration when he wrote Psalm 13.

1.  How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2.  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3.  Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes or I will sleep the death,

4.  And my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice that I fall.

5.  But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6.  I will sing the Lord's praise,

for he has been good to me!

Sometimes He calms the storms, sometimes he just rides them with you.
Either way, blessed be the name of the Lord.